In preparation for the Justice League movie and hopefully a new Green Lantern film, I thought it prudent to give some context, to enable people to step back a bit and consider the 2011 Green Lantern movie, as part of the bigger picture. And allow you, dear reader, to think that just maybe it’s not the worst movie you’ve ever seen, either.
This film contains some really cool transformations – Hal into hero and Hector into monster. The story is probably its biggest weakness. Especially the death of Hal’s father as backstory, which I suspect was stolen from Hot Shots (possibly originally in Top Gun.) I think it is a cool detail that the hero’s ring can’t be abducted and used against him – you have to be chosen. This makes The Green Lantern more formidable on the hero scale. Ryan Reynolds and Mark Strong commit wholly and deliver stunning performances for a weak script and dialogue that isn’t nearly as charming or witty as it seemed in the trailer.
The main enemy, Parallax is a boring character, but at least they show him. In Rise of the Silver Surfer, the Fantastic Four sequel, they didn’t show Galactus, instead there was a lame storm. So while these guys failed with their Parallax, at least they were giving it a go.
Parallax is an ex-Guardian, so his form is based on the Guardians, but it can’t be that difficult to make him look scary – just tap some horror movie talent.
Small thought: Hector touched his father’s face when he had the power, ‘Physical contact accesses mnemonic data.’ So he could have received some of the senator’s secrets.
I think it was a bold move to let the hero fail to save the senator – who is technically an innocent, even though he’s not a very nice person.
Besides the weak plot, overuse of exposition, flimsy characters and people treating Hal like he’s a child when he hasn’t earned this mistreatment. – I see no real reason why this movie can’t reach non-GL fans. Many superhero movies (Hulk, Thor and I didn’t think much of the first Avengers movie to be honest,) are just as bad, and still rake it in.
The imagery and vision is lacking in originality and effectiveness. However, the story serves the fans, reminding us of some of the cool things which we already love about GL. And the dialogue is cheeky and fun.
Hector’s monster is probably the best FX in the film. A lot of the digital stuff looks fairly cheesy. The big payoff, Parallax versus Hal is disappointing and one of the film’s major sore points. Also the conclusion to the battle, “The bigger you are, the faster you burn!” – is obvious to everyone except little kids who honestly aren’t even this film’s core fan-base.
A noble lesson is lasting, when Hal sacrifices himself to destroy the ultimate evil. The ultimate evil in this format could be compared to the Stephen King miniseries, It. Where the supernatural force representing the worst of all fears in the book, is simplified to Tim Curry as a clown serial killer for the screen version.
The visual element is this story’s most obvious weakness – in that a cohesive and palpable vision is, or at least seems, absent. However, the writing also fails in many ways. The love interest, conclusion to the battle, dead father backstory and the fact that anybody and their mother guessed that Sinestro will turn bad because of the yellow ring. Parallax is just not scary and he’s supposed to be the archetype of fear in the Universe. But perhaps most frustrating is the washed over mythos of The Green Lantern Core – too much expositional narration.
Battlefield Earth (2000) – dir: Roger Christian (Nostradamus, Masterminds)
A film frequently seen on the majority of worst movies of all time lists. Though personally, I did not hate this movie, I found it entertaining and interesting. Though silly and not particularly cerebral, the film is fantastic and quirky. And I’ve seen worse performances. The fight scenes are awkwardly muted and slowed down.
Humans are an endangered species – due to an absence of knowledge and education, after an apparent cataclysmic event (the great war – alien takeover,) humans have been reduced to a regression – living like primitive man. Thinking and behaving like Neanderthals.
Aliens, the Psychlos are considered demons, because of a lack of alternative thinking. The Psychlos have laser guns and they hunt humans for their slave trade. We are given man on the one side as the past – the caveman. And alien on the other side, as the future – the demons. Time alone seems to separate the opposing stations. But what keeps them apart is technology and beneath that, knowledge.
If our naïve hero can use his wild mind to steal some of the alien tech, he can lead a battle to topple the hierarchy.
I like the way that they mix the translated alien language with human language, with non-translated alien language – but I can see how this might be uncomfortable for some.
Some of the alien storyline feels like it’s taken from Deep Space Nine. John Travolta and Forrest Whitaker as the head Psychlo and his executive administrator – develop an alien storyline of out-weaseling one another.
The evil aliens discover that our hero is resourceful – he can handle an alien weapon, he kills two Psychlos – but this doesn’t save him. They underestimated humans. Finding that humans are smarter than they had thought, they decide to try and teach some to mine, because they wouldn’t have to pay them. Here our hero finds the God Machine/Knowledge machine. He learns about the Psychlos and realises that this knowledge could be their way out.
The story overall is simple, but interesting enough. The FX are cheesy and don’t look real, except for the makeup FX which are reasonably cool.
A B-movie often becomes one due to unoriginal writing and thinking itself big with a small budget. It seems this is the case, here.
Not Another Teen Movie (2001) – Dir: Joel Gallen (Zoolander)
Definitely on my list of worst movies of all time, this film is one of the first and worst of a series of ‘goofy comedies’ capitalising on the popularity of the bad and stupid slapstick and parody films before it. A trend created by the Scary Movie franchise which took the formula of the Scream franchise and dumbed it down for a stoned audience.
Something sickening about this film is that there aren’t any ugly teenagers, or even any attempt to make any of them ugly. Even the rejects (nerds, etc.) are pretty – boys and girls, both. The only odd-looking person is the really old woman satirising Drew Barrymore’s role in Never Been Kissed.
A woman orgasming is not funny. This is atypical of this movie’s misinformed idea of what is funny. Silly is not necessarily funny, this film is just packed full of stupid.
Not Another Teen Movie has one joke and it is played over repeatedly. Take the trappings of teen movies, create some irony and make it stupid. It’s also full of awkward moments. Though it doesn’t disappoint with its sexy. A naked Spanish exchange student who exists as an object of lust for young nerds who can’t get American dates. A beyond kinky catholic brunette. A slutty superficial blonde. And everybody important in this movie is ten years older than high school – which is the major point of the movie, it’s just not funny in the way they present it.
Some of the scenes are painfully stupid – like the scenes with Randy Quaid. Others push beyond awkward – Chris Evans, pre Captain America, tries to woo a nerd girl by singing a song with her name in it over the loud speakers. But he chose Janie’s Got a Gun, so she gets assaulted and arrested by the police.
The most obvious joke in the film is that the so-called ugly loser girl is actually hot (as is the case in She’s All That) And how easy it is to make her look hot, is supposed to be laughable.
Basketcase 2 (1990) – dir: Frank Henenlotter (Frankenhooker, Brain Damage)
My personal pick for the worst movie I’ve ever seen. A deformed creature who lives in a basket. Terrible expositional performances describe the origin of the creature. Ugly but fake-looking animatronic special FX. The Basketcase, aka Belyl is a monster who stalks and kills while his somewhat braindead human twin brother watches like a zombie and helps move him around as Belyl has no legs – just these massive arms and hands and deformed face on a blob of a body.
Cheesy dialogue and performances for the background characters – police, nurses, old lady and girl – friends of the creature and the twin’s family. Belyl calls his twin in a silly squeaky fake-sounding voice. The twin is an idiot and performs like a vacant tool. Eyes wide and twitching like a twit.
Belyl is a monstrosity but poorly designed and characterised in atypical B-movie style. We are introduced to the others. Other deformed creatures who are even worse puppets and makeup effects. Such as the opera singing Lorenzo – who has an oversized head and an underdeveloped body.
The puppets and puppetry are as terribly bad as the love story subplot between Belyl and one of the female creatures.
There is an element of hope in the Newspaper background subplot – slightly more intelligent and gifted acting in the investigative journalist and her boss. As they chase the story of the freak twins.
Crazy Doctor Freak is another cheesy character. He runs a fake freakshow – with his imaginative backstories and impressive nutball persona. He is soon found dead by the journalist – thanks to the old lady delivering Belyl another victim. “Ripping the faces off people may not be in your best interest.”
Troll 2 (1990) – dir: Claudio Fraggaso (Zombi 3, Guardian of Hell)
Often cited as one of the worst movies of all time, Troll 2 makes my list as well. The movie is cheesy, with terrible FX and the worst performances of all time. Midgets or children with boring, silly, unimaginative and poorly made goblin masks.
An old man (bad actor) reads a story about goblins to his grandchild (worse actor.) A beautiful girl with laughably fake freckles deceives a young man into drinking green sludge. And in an overtly fake transformation where he ‘sweats’ green slime, he turns into a half-plant, half-man for the goblins to eat him.
The grandpa was a ghost. The family go on vacation into the woods, a town called Nilbog which is Goblin spelled backwards. As corny as the story is, the writing – especially the dialogue is worse, and the acting even poorer. The worst acting in this film is the father played by Michael Stephenson – considered a stale performance.
The daughter and her boyfriend are another set of plastic representations of lame horny teenagers. A low point in this film is the silly, homemade special FX of the transformation from flesh to plant when the goblins catch up with the family, the boyfriend and his friends – after being tricked into eating some of the green sludge.
The masks aren't even open-eyed, so the eyes never move, this makes the masks particularly fake-looking.
Also check out: Best Worst Movie (2009) - Dir: Michael Stephenson (the star of Troll 2 and also director of The American Scream: 2012) and Troll (1986) - Dir: the incredibly underrated John Carl Buechler (A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, Halloween 4, Bride of Re-Animator)
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